These are
some facts I have witnessed and learned through my employment. Take it
at face value, believe it or don’t believe it, because I’m not
providing corroborating pictures, details, or evidence beyond my own
testimony.
Homeland security buys in bulk and at
great premium millions of dollars of useless personal appliances from
China, such as rice cookers, nose hair trimmers, massage wands, and
heating pads, boxes them up, and buries them in railroad shipping
containers in the Arizona desert for no reason whatsoever other than to
spend its budget and prevent sub-agencies from getting the funds. I
suspect that the money goes to a middleman in order to secretly siphon
funds into foreign organizations which we can’t support over the table,
but this is just me trying to find a justification for this massive and
intentional government waste.
So DHS wastes lots and lots of money — tell us something we don’t already know!
Donald Rumsfeld needs to wear iced
underwear because of some medical condition, and he has his secret
service detail hold his spares. He was recently getting uncontrollable
long-term erections and had to change up his medical treatments. The
underwear and the erections is why he uses a standing desk, not because
he is some super-man. He also wears nylon stockings, not because he’s
gay, but to control some vascular problem with his legs which causes
him intense pain.
This seems pretty dubious to us. But hey, ice in his underpants might explain why he gets so testy at those Pentagon briefings.
President Bush uses anti-depressant
medication, a lot of it, at a stupendous dosage, and he is hiding it
from the American public. This is the real reason he stopped drinking.
Because of the dosage, he is also impotent.
Hmm, interesting. We enjoy speculating about presidential substance abuse too. Don’t know about the impotence, though; Laura Bush has a real glow about here these days. (Maybe it’s just that new personal trainer of hers.)
Tom Ridge carries 20 credit cards with him
at all times, each one with a very low limit. I have never heard of him
using one, ever, but he has them. He also wears his socks inside-out,
and will flip the fuck out and walk strangely if he is forced to wear
them properly, because it drives him crazy. All of his socks must be
laundered right side in and then turned inside out before they are
returned to him.He gave specific instructions about handling his
food, and not allowing his vegetables to touch any other food item on
the plate. His utensils must be steamed over boiling water. He will not
eat soup which hasn’t been boiled within the past 20 minutes or which
he has not prepared himself. If any of these rules are violated, he
flies into a rage, turns beet red, and will not eat a single thing. He
has his personal attendants confirm over and over that the food is as
he likes it.He also shaves his forearms and hands because he
can’t stand the idea of body hair on his arms. He demands that his
bedsheets are bleach white and changed fresh every night and he sleeps
in a separate bed in a big, tight, body-length nylon sleeve, with a fan
blowing over him at full power. He is terrified of animals which have
fur or hair longer than one inch, and will not go near curly hair of
any kind, even on people. At one time he ran from his office and
demanded that someone look under everything for a rodent which did not
and could not exist, then he had the entire place wiped down with
disinfectant and vacuumed twice. While this was done he couldn’t even
bear to look at the door, or come within 20 feet of his office. He was
in hysterics.
It’s never good to hear that the former Homeland Security chief is a paranoid nut job. What does he know that we don’t?
President Bush, when dining at the white-house, does not
eat any item of food which has not been first sniffed by a trained dog
before being prepared. Think about that.Word among the staff is that Cheney
was drunk when he shot that lawyer, and secluded himself for a day to
sober up and avoid felony firearms charges. I don’t have any direct
information on this because the guys with him at the time are not
talking. This is totally unconfirmed, but I think it is plausible.
This is all pretty familiar territory — nothing that we haven’t heard before. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not, who knows…
Dick Cheney has chronic gum problems and his breath smells like shit as a result. He is also a CLOSE TALKER.
He keeps a small bottle of diluted hydrogen peroxide which he rinses
with every hour on the hour, and he swallows it instead of spitting. He
also picks his nose vigorously (violently) and hums loudly and
tunelessly to himself while taking shits.
Now this is something that we can believe. Remember the interview he
gave to Brit Hume after accidentally shooting Harry Whittington? Very
close-talker-ish.
There is a sealed room in the whitehouse which once held a half-ton block of cheese for about 30 years.The White house is planting its own men among the press agents at press conferences.
Like Jeff Gannon? Or that supposedly “Indian” journalist, the one
who always jumps in with some softball about India-U.S. relations, just
as Scotty is getting ripped a new one over Plamegate?
The white house lawn is mowed every other day by the same man humming the same tune.
Yeah, and he’s an illegal immigrant. That’s why the White House is pushing so hard for this “guest worker” program.
Despite all of this craziness, there is nothing strange whatsoever about Condoleeza Rice.
She is completely balanced and normal, if slightly robotic in her
personal demeanor. She smells very nice at all times. She does,
however, constantly check her investments online from her office when
she thinks that nobody is looking, and she has slept at her desk on
multiple occasions.
Finally, something we can believe in without reservation. We have
heard, from people who have worked with her, that Condi is actually
pretty normal. Hearing that she sometimes naps at her desk is
reassuring to us. It shows that, despite being Secretary of State, a fitness fanatic, and an accomplished classical musician, she is actually human.
There is an administrative law judge who sits in an office
in a building near the white-house, earns around 200k per year and has
a secretary, and he does nothing except sit, read, and listen to
classical music all day. His secretary likewise does nothing. He gets
meals taken to him from the White-house kitchen, and is so lonely that
he latches on to whoever gets sent and talks to them for hours about
the korean war. His family is all dead and his secretary hates him. In
a drawer in his desk he has an old revolver, which he got in there
somehow despite that he shouldn’t have been able to bring it in. I
think he will shoot himself one day.The “undisclosed location” is usually a local police officer training ground or state trooper college. Shh.